Letting my dog out for her morning small business development, I noticed something large and buggy moving around in the grass near the pup’s favorite spot. It was big, had it’s tusks and antennae tangled up in the grass, and was no less than 4-5 inches long.  Yeah verily it was another Dobsonfly – a bug I was never aware of until a couple years ago when one crashed an evening BBQ, and sent the whole group of us into hiding, or lacrosse stick swinging terror!  I live close enough to the Chesapeake Bay, and Baltimore Harbor apparently to attract these love struck creepos in their brief winged adult stage as they search for mates.  Lucky me!

I won’t lie, I find Dobsonflies fascinating when they, like this one, are stuck on something and incapable of charging at me.  Should this one have flown at me I am fairly certain people would have been able to hear the squeal through their internet connection whether they read GG or not.  This male was probably on it’s last legs, since they only live a week after they gain flight.  It definitely had enough spit and vinegar left in it to lean back and clack it’s tusk-y mandibles at my dog when she leaned over it, play bowed, and kicked it, in the hopes of a good game of chase. Luckily at the time it didn’t choose to nail me with foul smelling spray it can shoot out it’s back end when it feels threatened.  Anything like that would have nailed me right in the chops, and I have no idea where to look on the internet for a “how to” article on safely cleaning anal spray out of the nooks and crannies of your husband’s Nikon camera.

It would be hard to explain to him later for sure.  Something else I have to imagine that is hard to explain to your husband is this!  The same morning I discovered the Dobsonfly, I decided to check out Yahoo’s photo gallery from Ladies Day at the Ascot horse race in England, and found THIS hat parading around!  What is THAT!

Photo Credit: Carl de Souza, and Yahoo News

This is why I will never be rich.  Not because I would refuse to don such a creation, but because I will never be the kind of out-of-the-box creature who thinks of bedazzling giant faux Dobsonflies, nestling them on top of high fashion haberdashery, and selling them for big bucks to ladies of culture.

Why God.  Just why.

One of my favorite wildflowers are the Wild Phlox that grow on the edges of woodlands in Maryland.  I’ve found it impossible to resist picking bundles of the fragrant flower while I walk my dog on the Gwynns Falls Trail here in Baltimore.

Wild Phlox are so airy and delicate.  They make a great filler for my kitchen bouquets when the roses run their course, and the Carnations need company in the vase.

They’re just one of the simple pleasures in life, free wildflowers for the picking.

I discovered some munch marks on my Sage today, and went in search of the culprit. I didn’t have far to look, he was still in the herb patch!

This is the first year I’ve grown Parsley, so I have no idea how this Black Swallowtail Butterfly Caterpillar found me.

But he did find me, and there’s no way I’m squishing him.  He’s just that cool, and I’m just that happy to have something so potentially beautiful growing in my city neighborhood.

You are one lucky bug.

So I guess it’s time to drop in a few more Parsley seeds in the herb garden to keep my cooking stash plentiful.

Here’s hoping I get a pretty butterfly out of it!

Most stories in my neighborhood don’t involve three feet of snow, rapid gunfire, and raccoons, but this one does.

This trifecta of causes and effects apparently guarantees The Grand Prize on America’s Funniest Home Videos in my neighbor’s mind, in fact her take-away from the entire event was her disappointment that no one had the foresight to grab a video camera. “We would have won for sure!” She told me over  Cranberry Juice, and Squashy-Raisin Bread at my kitchen table.   I’m still not sure where I stand on the probability that most of Americans are quite this comfortable with the discharge of automatic weaponry in row house kitchens, but I’m willing to keep an open mind.  You be the judge.

So, during the blizzard of 2010 Baltimore City was walloped with 3 feet of snow, in fact many places were walloped with 3 feet of snow.  Baltimore city is one of the places on the long list of those hit by the storm who’s aging roofs were not able to withstand the weight of all that snow, and it was just such a weak-willed roof that caused all the problems that followed.

My neighbor several doors down is named Daphne, and she was minding her own business the day after the snow stopped, and taking her morning shower when a corner of her roof crumbled, and sent part of the attic and it’s contents into the shower with her.  Contents that included quite a bit of drywall, and a family of raccoons.  Daphne, understandably startled and vulnerable, screamed and ran naked out of the bathroom, down the hallway, and out onto a back deck into the snow to escape the frightened raccoons.  Enter her husband.  Daphne’s husband and cousin were chatting it up in the kitchen when they heard the noise and subsequent screaming, and they immediately dashed up the stairs, handguns in hand, to handle the situation.  The two gentlemen, apparently deathly afraid of the raccoons, opened fire on the scrambling four-legged family, shooting several holes in the wall, and causing Daphne, still naked on the back deck, to crouch down and holler for a little caution, and a towel please.  (There may have been an F-bomb in there somewhere between the “towel” and the “please,” I’d like to note for complete accuracy)

The raccoons now panic stricken, erratic, and fleeing to the stairs scurried one by one down the banisters, and toward the stairs.  The husband grabbed a towel for Daphne, and tossed it to her on the deck, urging her to stay safe on the porch while they got rid of the raccoons, and left her there barefoot but now towel-clad, to fend for herself from stray bullets.

As Daphne described it to me, her husband and the cousin made it to the kitchen and rapidly opened fire, causing the raccoons to whip around the kitchen counters and wall cupboards in gravity-defying, Matrix-like style, before one of them was hit with a bullet.  Before the idea to open the kitchen door and let the beasts escape into the snow occurred, the brand new Microwave also took three bullets and began smoking in protest. A few dishes were also maimed by gunfire, and animal feces.

By this point a neighbor had inquired as to what the was going on, and had phoned animal control. An officer had been dispatched promptly, and was on his way over to handle the situation.  The officer arrived cautiously, and parked across the street in his truck.  The cousin saw the truck, hid his gun, and ran out a side door to explain to the officer what was going on.  The officer inquired as to whether he had been hearing gunfire when he pulled up, and stated that he wasn’t getting out of the truck until all the guns were put away.  The cousin insisted that no, no, there were no guns, everything was OK, and that it was safe to come in and catch any remaining raccoons.

The officer grabbed a pole and a bucket along with several cages, and proceeded to round up any remaining raccoons present in the house, while simultaneously avoiding a mostly-naked Daphne still on the back porch.  In rapid time the house was left only to it’s human occupants, and everyone was left to laugh and reminisce over the follies that had just occurred, and how if only they had a video camera to film the whole escapade, they would have won The Grand Prize on America’s Funniest Home Videos.

And that my friends is the true story of how Microwaves lose their battle against all that is evil and slow cooked in the Baltimore City.  R.I.P. Microwave!  Somewhere a Mr. Coffee is shedding a tear over his fallen comrade.

Photo Courtesy of: Will Scullin

Girls are made up of sugar and spice no more, and these ‘Do It Yourself’ canvas mavens are ready to take care of business with or without help!

Artist Kelly Reemsten has a new, playful take on the “We can do it” art theme made popular by the Rosie the Riveter posters of the 1940’s, and her paintings feature ladies from the neck and waist down in June Cleaver era dresses modeling their jewelry along with accessories like bolt cutters, tree loppers, pipe wrenches and watering cans.  The subject’s ultra feminine clothing playfully juxtaposes ruffles and lace with the wood and metal  tools of an actual household, creating an flirty and confident vibe.  With titles like “Character Assasination,” and “Shear Trouble,” these paintings are a bit of a wink and a smile from the artist to you.

I love, love, love, these prints and paintings for their originality!  Check out the full slide show on Kelly Reemsten’s website, or snag a print from Indiesart.com.

]]> http://www.greengardenista.com/blog/womens-work-paintings/feed/ 2 http://www.greengardenista.com/blog/shotgun/ http://www.greengardenista.com/blog/shotgun/#comments Thu, 18 Nov 2010 05:29:50 +0000 Amy http://www.greengardenista.com/blog/?p=3294

I left my golf cart unattended today and returned to find this waiting for me on the shotgun side.

Just so we’re clear, this is what belongs on the passenger floorboard of my golf cart – one 60 pound Border Collie.  He comes, he works, he bums cookies, he eats goose poop, he goes home.

Again, this is not what belongs on my golf cart. This is what shows up sitting on my floorboard when a he decides to wait me out where he will be sure not to miss me – or the cracked corn he’s sure I carry on my person at all times.

This also has me  worried.  This guy and his mate are escape artists.  Is he really just playing with the shiny keys, or trying to learn how to flip the ignition switch?

God help us all.

Halloween is a celebration of the macabre and mischevious, and I’ve got a little of both of those in my yard this weekend!

My bouquet of the creepy and unloved begins with this (hopefully useful) Eastern Brown Snake, whom I discovered a while back sunning himself on my sidewalk.  He’s small, and probably not good at much other than eating the occasional worm, ant, and cricket, but today is his day to shine!

What could be more symbolic of Halloween than a black cat?  I’ve got several in my yard and garden this year including this one, who belongs to me.  His name is Taco, and he is both the most accident prone and unlucky pet I’ve ever owned. While I don’t subscribe to the belief that black cats are unlucky to own, I did lose my home to my neighbor’s house fire on Halloween several years back, so draw your own conclusions!

Praying Mantises and their crunchy egg cases are all over my little postage stamp sized front yard.  They’ve left egg cases on my blackberry trellis, on my Mums, and another on my Forsythia bush, so when next spring comes around I should have a bumper crop of Mantids.  Anyone want some?

European Starlings are not their midnight colored Raven cousins, but they are out en-force in my neighborhood right now, and eagerly consuming my hot pepper suet. There are many winter weeks when the only birds I see around my block are Starlings and House Sparrows, so today begins the advent season of my appreciation of them.

That’s what I’ve got naturally decorating my yard this fall weekend, what’s growing, creeping or decorating your yard this Halloween?

Starling Photo Courtesy of: pheanix300

I was watching my two six year old nephews for a few days while my sister was celebrating her anniversary, and I decided to get a little gardening done in the yard while the boys played with their Star Wars figures around me.

Now when I’m gardening alone it’s generally a quiet activity.  I like to do things when I’m gardening like over analyse where I’ve placed everything, and plan what new plants I can sneak into the beds to better pack up the open spaces. It’s boring, self-contained, and completely enjoyable.  When I’m gardening with six year old boys it’s not quiet, and far more entertaining!

Over the course of the morning with my nephew’s grubs were collected, arranged by tribe, squished and tallied as a means of assessing which boy could be titled “King of the Grubs.” Wars were waged between Ewoks and Praying Mantis kind, and soaker hoses were transformed into imaginary rivers of death for Jedi warriors! Weed were pulled, dirt was absorbed, and black beetles were sacrificed and attempted to be force fed to the conquering Mantis Queen.

I loved every minute of their company outside, and still managed to get my bulbs planted in between the skirmishes, but I’m left with two pressing questions.  When did I suddenly grow old enough to have 6 year old nephews, and how is it possible that I’ve ever enjoyed gardening without them and half of the Rebel Fleet?

I was invited to check out the Maryland Home and Garden Show, and it was every bit as huge as advertised.  The Fall Home and Garden Show show will continue to travel around the country, so it will be popping up in a town near you soon! In the mean time though, here are my photo highlights of some of the best crafting booths.

The balloon garden was small but very cute. Even the insects were inflatable!

I can always appreciate a weed free garden.

The crafting booths, all 200 of them, held creative photography, paintings, bonzai, natural lotions and bathing products. A lot of attendees were completing a little early holiday shopping in them.

Here’s one booth I enjoyed, a booth with Peruvian needlework quilts, children’s clothes, and gourd carving! The gentleman manning the booth told us that it took a team of 5 ladies 3 months to complete the largest of the quilts, which was an actual birds-eye-view map of a town. The quilt was completely 3-D, with people, animals, farm tools, and their crops all popping off the quilt.  It was really impressive!

Another of his works were the intricate gourd he would dry and etch with an amazing attention to detail.  These chicken gourds are the simplest of his gourds, and would only take a few hours to carve!

Another booth I really enjoyed was a booth selling wall hanging sculptures that appeared to be made from a section of a tree, with different varieties of wild birds peeking out of their nesting holes.

And another ……

The crafting booth I spent the most time in was one under the name “Think Silk,” which sold both silk arrangements, and garden art made from metalworking.  There were so many cute garden art pieces that I wanted to walk away with but I restrained myself and picked out something for one of you instead!

This cute little crow sculpture will be given away on Monday the 25th, to a reader chosen at random who enters this fall contest!  More details to follow!

And in the contractors and vendors area of the Home and Garden Show I discovered this great gardening idea that would make a fabulous Christmas gift for a gardener or outdoor aficionado!

They are called Pondless Water Features, and come in a kit.  The company is in Maryland, but they ship all over the country, and have several sizes to choose from in a price range from $200 to $1000. They look to be the perfect size and weight for a deck or patio garden, and are deep enough to house fish in all but freezing temperatures. This would be a great way to dip a toe into pond keeping without the commitment that digging a giant hole in the yard is!

That’s it for now, I’ll let you in the offerings of some great local lawn and garden companies soon, but until then happy gardening!

Lesson#2 For Me:   City People Don’t Know When They’re Being Creepy.

This is an ongoing lesson I’m continually being taught. They don’t know.  They might even mean well. City people just can’t help acting out scenes with you from a 1990′s after school special, and setting off all kinds of alarm bells in former suburban girls.

Case In Point:

I was at the park down the street this past weekend with the goose dog. The park is a beautiful 200 acre historic site full of ball fields, open space, a 1700′s mansion, and weekend crowds of inter-mural sports teams and pee-wee football players. It’s bright and lush, the pup loves to romp there, and I like the history behind the place – and visiting it with a 65 pound dog.

This particular day I arrived with my dog, unloaded him and slipped on the leash.  We took a nice brisk walk around the perimeter of the park’s main double wide road because the grass was pretty tall, and soaked with rain water. It was a sunny 9am when we made it half of the way around the park’s main road, and we were back to the area within close visual range of a very large group of Pee-wee football players on the lawn.

I hear this behind me. “Vroooooom. Squeeeeeeeak.”

Nothing.

“Vrooom. Squeeeak.”

Nothing.

“Vroooooom. Squeeeeeak.” It’s right behind me. I keep walking thinking the car should get it’s breaks checked.

“Vrooooom. Squeak.” I’m on the left side of the road, and there is plenty of room for cars to pass on the right side of the road, or middle of the street. Whatever it is is literally right behind me, all the way on the left, and way inside my ‘pedestrian personal space zone.’  I catch a glimpse out of the corner of my eye of a van behind me.

“Vroooooom.” When I take a few steps the van waits, then rolls forward to regain that ground.

Nothing.

“Squeeeak.”   It’s still behind me. Very close.  I’ve now made it walking on the shoulder for another 1/4 of the way around the park.  The van then kills the engine, and continues to follow me more – on the left shoulder!  All I hear now is the squeak every 7 steps.

This has now gone on for a full 5 minutes, which is 4.40 minutes longer than I’m comfortable with.

I hear the crunching of pebbles under a tire, then “Squeeeeak.”  I glance back.  It’s a white van with dark windows on the side. A kidnapper van.

I move the dog several feet into the grass, and feign interest in the patch of wet grass he’s now sniffing.

“Squeeeeak.”

I’m concerned, but I’m going to meet it head on. I looked directly at the driver’s window as it passes next to me, poised to move very quickly into the line of scrimmage if need be of the pee-wee game – which is 50 yards away. Through the two un-tinted  window of the front seat of the van I see a truckload of city mammas leaning all over each other, craning their necks to see the football game – looking for their kids! And no where near where the rest of the parents have been parking.

They suddenly hit the gas, veer off, and drive away.

A Memo To My Ladies:

City Ladies! Please park your car when you are looking for friends or loved ones, and actually get out of it!  Creating a ‘mock-umentary’ of a hit-n-run, or a missing persons case is not an activity I’m up for that early on a Saturday! Drive on the right side of the road, and wherever possible please avoid killing your engine and following people around in public places. It’s creepy.  Especially in white vans! Who doesn’t know this?

You see?  They don’t know. It’s not even in the vocabulary.